…Men are from the Hot Wheels aisle, women are from the Barbie aisle. (2005)

Getting a Valentine's gift for your significant other can be as tricky as making a tactical error on The Apprentice. One mistake and you'll be painfully backpedaling for weeks. Thus the question lurks in the minds of men everywhere--what do women want for Valentine's?

As the big day creeps ever nearer, the holiday advertising becomes as inescapable as kudzu. Some advertising features sex, and some features romance. And it all seems to be aimed at men doing the purchasing. For Valentine's is about the myth of men pursuing, not the woman's art of being caught.

But why is it that men are the ones doing the buying? Shouldn't love be a two way street? Not a chance buddy, not a chance. And the toys we played with as children are partially responsible.

One painfully popular guide to male/female relationships is, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Perhaps a more accurate title might be, Men are from the Hot Wheels Aisle, Women are from the Barbie Aisle.

Let's start with a look at how boys are indoctrinated into the world of "Me Macho Tarzan, You Decorative Jane." The "boy aisle" at the local discount retailer is filled with rows of crushing, maiming, crashing, shooting and body-slamming things. With all of this relentless activity, is it any wonder that a sensitive man is as difficult to find as half-price Godiva?

Meanwhile, back in Barbieland, girls are indoctrinated into cleaning, cooking, grooming, and caring for others. With that in mind it's hard to consider the Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center as anything other than a tool of capitalistic sex-role indoctrination. Or, as Barbie might say during a political uprising, "Never mind the barricade, girlfriends; lets just make more cupcakes!"

Don’t Fall in Love with a Dead Man (2004) ..a look at the movie "School of Rock"

This actually appeared on the now-dead website BlueEar.com on June 28, 2004. Yes, the Internets existed back then.


They say you always remember your first love. And sometimes, you run into him in the most unlikely places. I just saw mine on DVD, in Richard Linklatter’s School of Rock. My first love was the Ramones, whose music is featured in the film.

I suspect that for me, like for a lot of other people, music, specifically the Ramones was important because it was a promise we weren’t alone in the world. Growing up in a small town outside of Houston in the mid 80’s, punk was over, the Sex Pistols had come and gone, and Phil Collins and Aerosmith were kings of the FM wasteland.

Yet for the incorrigible misfits of my tribe-- and a few music critics in mythical New York-- there was an alternative to radio dreck. In this land of misfit toys, Joey Ramone was our spiritual leader, and Rock ‘N’ Roll High School was our Citizen Kane.

Despite the Ramones macabre lyrics about electroshock therapy “Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment” (I really want a shock treatment) and child abuse “Beat on the Brat” (Beat on the brat, beat on the brat, beat on the brat with a baseball bat, oh yeah…)- their songs were infectious—and subversive, even though we didn’t know the term. You don’t learn words like subversive in detention.

Hearing “Bonzo goes to Bitberg,”—about Ronald Regan’s controversial decision in to lay a wreath on the tomb of a German soldier (1985), made me realize someone else would understand my homemade Regan dart board. The Ramones was a promise that I could escape suburbia, republicans and the Christian right.

I saw the Ramones play in clubs in high school and college, but I only got close enough to touch my idol once. Last time I saw Joey, he was playing in a Christmas Concert in NYC with Ronnie Spector—ex wife of producer Phil Spector. (Phil Spector produced the Ramones album End of the Century, and, in an oft-repeated rumor, Spector allegedly pulled a gun on one Ramone during a session. One suspects that Ms. Spector and Mr. Ramone had much to discuss. )

Joey walked in during the opening band, all tall and gangly in an overcoat, yet no one in the room seemed to notice. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it was like Elvis slipping in unannounced. When Joey stopped and stood behind my boyfriend and I, I swear that my heart skipped a few beats and I got a little lightheaded-- just as if I had been sniffing the glue the Ramones made famous on one of their first albums. I could have turned around and touched him, but I didn’t. I could have babbled something about how much he meant to me, but I didn’t. After all, if he wanted to be Joey Ramone in public, he would have dressed up as Joey Ramone before venturing into the lower east side. After all, half the other guys there were dressed as Joey Ramone, circa 1976--all converse and leather jackets and long hair. He soon disappeared with his valise and companion.

When Joey later appeared on stage, in Ramones drag with the trademark wig and round glasses, the bill included “Merry Christmas, (i Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” and “Danny Says”—the closest things to love songs in the Ramones repertoire. Standing there, I kept closing my eyes, shuttling back and fourth in time between the past and the present, between Texas and New York City, from the place I wanted to escape from, to the place I had escaped to.

While I am sure that Richard Linklatter’s experience was different than mine, we should treasure this little love note from Linklatter to the Ramones. Sure, Linklatter might tell you that the movie is a valentine to the Gods of Rock—Hendrix, Plant, Pink Floyd. But I can see the truth. The movie is all about the punk ethos, getting by with three cords, an attitude and a plan. And that’s all about the Ramones.

So girls, be careful whom you give your heart to. Most of the good ones are taken. Elvis and Joey have gone to that great sound check in the sky. You can’t fall in love with a dead man, it’s a relationship that will always leave you unfilled. If he’s dead, chances are that he’ll never come stand behind you and do things to your breathing. That’s a thrill that every girl should experience.

***

Anna Hanks, Austin, Texas, USA

REVIEW: School of Rock, by Richard Linklater, 2003
School of Rock is the 2003 film featuring Jack Black as a failed heavy metal guitarist. To pay the rent, Black connives his way into substitute-teaching at a posh private school. Rather than teaching the kids math and history, he teaches them music—and the concept of sticking it to the man.

Behind the Scenes at a Holistic Veterinarian's (1998).

 This is a story I wrote for school back in 1998 that was never published.

I'm sharing it here because it emphasizes how much the world has changed; and because I haven't read much else on holistic veterinary medicine...
 

            A short, fat, brown dog was panting heavily in the examining room of the animal clinic.  Her owner was with her. Fine stainless steel needles punctured the dog's skin, yet the dog didn't try to remove them. She made no attempt to bite the slightly-built, brown-haired veterinarian in charge. She was as unconcerned as any dog could be in a veterinarian's office.

            Dinga the corgi was being given an acupuncture treatment by one of Austin's few holistic veterinarians, Kathryn Van Winkle, DVM.

             Holistic medicine is the umbrella term for a number of forms of medicine that focus on strengthening the body's own defenses, rather than on fighting specific diseases.

            Acupuncture treatments, such as the 6 year-old Dinga was receiving, are only one type of alternative medicine that Van Winkle, 45, performs. She also treats patients using Chinese herbs, chiropractic care, and homeopathic medicine. She is a member of the International Veterinary Acupuncture Society, an American association founded in 1974 with approximately 1400 members.

            Dinga's acupuncture treatments were administered according to the belief that there is a life force called the Qi (pronounced chee) that runs throughout the body. The tenets of acupuncture hold that the body's internal organs can be stimulated through manipulation of different points on the skin. The needles are just one way to stimulate these points. The needles can be left in anywhere from 30  seconds to 30 minutes.

            For the corgi Dinga, the needles were stimulating Dinga's Qi for about two minutes. Van Winkle was treating Dinga for complications she had with a sedative the previous week.

            A decade ago, Van Winkle wouldn't have been performing this acupuncture treatment on a dog such as Dinga. While she has been a licensed veterinarian since her graduation from Texas A&M in 1978,  Van Winkle has only been practicing holistic veterinary medicine for the last five years.

Courtly Love vs. Courtney Love

Back when I spent more time thinking about medieval literature-- and when Courtney Love was more of a going concern--I created this list that was popular with a few of the hipper medievalists.

Think of it as a medievalist's meme, mid 1990's. This means it was actually printed out on paper, then passed around.
 

Marie de France Active in the second half of the 12th century Wrote for an aristocratic audience. It may have been her marriage that placed her in the right place to find her audience. Husband out of the picture Likely Imitated Likely to have lived at court.

Courtney Love Active in the second half of the 20th century Writes for a distinctly un-aristocratic audience. It was perhaps due to her marriage that she found any audience at all. Husband definitely out of the picture Imitated/ Imitation? Likely to spend more time in court.

Working Out with Edward Albee.

 ***a poem from the mid- 90's:

Working Out with Edward Albee.

It isn’t that I ever see him,

It’s just comforting knowing he’s there.

Weighting for the weights,

Trudging on the treadmill,

Running in place like the rest of us.

for chris, who really had been seeing Edward Albee at the gym.